


psychos in new york? give me a break!

by cettevieestbien



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Bad Pick-Up Lines, Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cursing in chap 12, F R A N C I S, F/M, Français | French, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Memes, Pictures, RPF, SAAAAAAAAAAAAAM, Texting, Tumblr, Tumblr Memes, chap 12 is rated M, donald trump - Freeform, thoughts and inner monologues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cettevieestbien/pseuds/cettevieestbien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marvel crack based off Tumblr posts.</p><p>6) Bucky vs Bananas (no link)<br/>7) Rhodey and Tony and Donald Trump, aka Dick Tiny, aka Democracy Thot (no link)<br/>8) Steve gets lonely during AOU (http://katsofmeer.tumblr.com/post/117916148932)<br/>9) Steve said bitch where (http://aguaman.tumblr.com/post/117234287163)<br/>10) Steve has? Boobs? Wow (http://robcrtdowneyjr.tumblr.com/post/136396147165)<br/>11) The Russos know how gay Stucky is (http://borkyno.tumblr.com/post/139845983742)<br/>12) A letter with a poem to Francis, from Deadpool (http://lydiastilinski.tumblr.com/post/139822998609)<br/>13) Bad pick up lines: stucky (http://acciowintershield.tumblr.com/post/139326501985)<br/>14) Sam burns Steve (http://keeping-up-with-the-avengers.tumblr.com/post/139856343435)<br/>15) Tag yourself I'm Stebe (http://captainwinter.tumblr.com/post/138113250312)<br/>16) General Ross is Dumb (http://imaredshirt.tumblr.com/post/134375562834)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. sam & steve, sam gives steve life advice

**Author's Note:**

> none of these are connected so don't worry if you don't like a certain ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://marvelparkcheersquad.tumblr.com/post/119274113521 

Sam is fed up with this white boy who can’t get his shit together. They just met, okay, and his therapy senses are tingling. They tell him, this boy needs some help. **  
**

From him bursts out, “be yourself bitch.”

Steve Goddamn Rogers raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment.

He continues, “step your pussy up, honey.” He’s channeling his twin siblings, both of whom have said that line. He licks his lips, just starting out.

“Get a job. Own a business bitch.” He points a finger to make his point. What? Steve Goddamn Rogers seems cool.

He ends, “suck a dick.” The face Steve Goddamn Rogers makes tells him that this boy is seriously considering his options.

There, he thinks, job done. He turns, walks away, and sways his hips. His main white boy, Riley, is gone, but this ripped golden retriever could totally get with this.


	2. steve/bucky, stop telling everyone i'm dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://goddessofidiocy.tumblr.com/post/125955149305/steve-seventy-years-ago-i-lost-my-dear-husband

Steve looks at the heroes in front of him, all tired from training and wanting a story. They’ve all piled into the kitchen, sweaty and gross.

 

So he does what he does best, and gives them a story.

 

“Seventy years ago,” he starts, and he can hear their eyes light up, “I lost my dear husband, Bucky.”

 

Pietro seems to get it first - just in time for Bucky to shout from the living room, “QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD!”

 

Steve pretends to wipe a tear from under his eye, and nearly whimpers, “sometimes I can still hear his voice.”


	3. wade & peter, wade keeps telling everyone he's dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://goddessofidiocy.tumblr.com/post/126420240300/wade-wilson-just-an-hour-ago-i-died-peter-parker 

“Just an hour ago I died,” Wade tells the teeny, tiny X-Men kiddos.

From the ceiling vents, Peter rolls his eyes so profoundly that Wade can feel him do it. He shouts down, “QUIT TELLING EVERYONE YOU’RE DEAD!”

Wade sighs and tells them, basking in their wide, confused eyes, “sometimes I can still hear my own voice.”  
  
Then, he turns and looks at where the audience is, winks and whispers conspiratorially, “thanks for the meme, Tumblr.” 


	4. clint/natasha, friendship bracelets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://birdbrosrecruitment.tumblr.com/post/133671580303/clint-well-i-made-this-friendship-bracelet-for 

Clint sees Natasha in the kitchen and jogs over, pulling out a bracelet. He thrusts it at her, and tells her, “I made this friendship bracelet for you.”

Natasha, without thinking, responds, “you know, I’m not really a jewelry person.”

Clint ignores the arrow necklace around her throat, and says, somewhat dejectedly, “you don’t have to wear it, then.”  
  
Natasha frowns and grabs it out of his hand. “no, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.”


	5. clint & natasha, dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://goddessofidiocy.tumblr.com/post/127963520410

Clint and Natasha are walking around the park, trying to get some non-intensive working out done. Natasha is talking about something - Clint’s paying attention, swear! - but stops at the sound of Clint's loud gasp.

 

There’s a dog, not 10 feet in front of them. A dog!

 

Natasha sighs.

 

Clint says, immediately afterwards, “I want that dog.”

 

Natasha sighs again, recalling the last time he’d said that, less than half-an-hour before. “You want every dog, Clint.”

 


	6. gen, bucky vs bananas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no link for this one. comes from another fic of mine that is restricted, so i thought i would share this with everyone not registered.

Bucky bit into the banana, then froze. Steve and Nat froze, too, and Thor stopped chewing on his own banana. Tony asked, "should I call in an emergency?" and Bruce backed away slowly. Sam lunged for the other bananas while Rhodey and Clint went for the knives.

"What the fuck is this," Bucky says slowly, his eyes on fire.

"Um," Steve says meekly, then pushes Nat forwards.

"Bananas… have a twin species, James. The original one died, though, so we're left with the twin."

Bucky slammed the banana onto the table, saying, "never give me a twin banana ever again."


	7. rhodey & tony, donald trump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no inspiration

The line up of future presidents looks about as white as the Oscars, but actually a little more inclusive. There are one or two POC there, and of course... Donald Trump. He's of his own species, let alone race. 

The loser continues to yak about principles that are somehow allowable to his kind - and makes nasty comments the whole time.

Tony and Rhodey share a glance. They're there to be arm candy on the long arm of American Stupidity, but seeings as there's a genius and Tony Stark sitting there, they decide to do something much more fun.

Like call Donald Trump stupid names, like how it happens to Barbell Cucumber. 

When Tony goes up to ""endorse"" Trump - this is Fury's fault, not his, he likes the Sanders guy way more - he says, "I first met Dick Tiny when I was a child. He was no less of an asshole then, either."

Trump's whole face squishes like silly putty, and his lips turn down, but he stays quiet, blessedly.

When Rhodey goes up there to ""endorse"" Trump, he says, "Democracy Thot would be a terrible president, and he should have dropped out when he first thought about it. Also, if he gets to call people names, Tony and I get to call him names, too. Thank you."

The good news is, they leave fast enough that Trump's big meaty claws can't get to them - plus, they got to knock him down a peg. Bad news? Pepper is waiting for them in the car.


	8. steve & sam or pre-slash, texting during aou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://katsofmeer.tumblr.com/post/117916148932/god-i-just-imagine-steve-texting-sam-throughout 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I basically copied the entire post... thanks katsofmeer. this is during AOU!!!!

**STEVE:** i don’t know if you’ve heard but we actually all get great dental/health plans through SI

 

**STEVE:** ultron can fly…………. you can fly………… interesting

 

**STEVE:** didn’t jump off any tall things all day since ur not here to catch me :////

 

**STEVE:** sam if u join the avengers i can stare at you lovingly we can see each other everyday

 

**STEVE:** thor says all avengers are welcome to use the bifrost to travel, didn’t you say you liked space that one time? huh. weird coincidence.

 

**STEVE:** how do you feel about spandex?

 

**STEVE:** wHOA!!!1!! just saw some WILD birds! lots of them!! just a lot of birds. so many. i’d send pics but my phone’s broken anyway haha too bad you’re not here, it’s weird how many birds the avengers run into like just unbelievable haha sam pls i miss u

 

**SAM:** steve oh my god

 


	9. steve, i said bitch where

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://aguaman.tumblr.com/post/117234287163

 

“Tu es moche,” Batroc taunted.

 

“Garce où,” Steve retorted.

 

“Sous ce casque laid!” The sailor said.

 

Steve removed said helmet and grinned at Batroc. Then, he said, “garce où,” and lunged forward and attacked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Batroc: You are ugly
> 
> Steve: Bitch where
> 
> Batroc: Under that ugly helmet
> 
> Steve: Bitch where


	10. steve, boobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://robcrtdowneyjr.tumblr.com/post/136396147165 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk im sorry

Steve’s suddenly much bigger than he thinks is possible. And by that, he means he can see the tops of people’s heads now.

 

And he has hot people - Howard Stark and Peggy Carter - touching him. 

 

Steve can just imagine Bucky scolding him about doing Erskine’s experiment, but oh well. People are looking at him, now. Colonel Phillips isn’t giving his the hairy eyeball. That senator guy isn’t irritated anymore.

 

Steve… likes this new development. Well, he likes it up until Doctor Erskine gets shot.

 

Learning to run in the new… same?, no, new body is definitely interesting. 

 

His whole body is interesting. He’s taller now, of course, and the running thing again, but he’s got a defined chest now.

 

When he’s running after the bad guy and wow, what a thing, he just happens to look down. And there they are, boobs.

 

He can’t really think about it until later, when he’s on the way to the stage, but just. Wow. Boobs. Amazing.

 

Is it weird he feels proud of them? 


	11. the russos and stucky, a story of brotherly love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://borkyno.tumblr.com/post/139845983742/russos-weve-always-interpreted-it-as-a-brotherly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bob Iger is the CEO of Disney

They’re all sitting around a table, paper and coffee strewn everywhere. There are storyboards everywhere, all of Steve and Bucky and Tony and Sam and Natasha.

 

Bob Iger stares at the brothers Russo and raises an eyebrow. 

 

When they speak, they speak simultaneously. “Uh yes, we’ve always interpreted it as a brotherly relationship, but - “

 

Bob’s phone rings, cutting them off. “I’m sorry, I have to take this. I’ll be right back.”

 

As soon as Bob leaves, the Russo’s immediately start saying to the other writers in the room, “ yes, they are gay as hell, I repeat, Steve and Bucky are in love! If they hangin’, they bangin’! This is a love story -”

 

Bob walks in, and every face in the room changes into one that’s much more unexcited. 

 

The brothers continue, “a story of brotherly love.”

 

Bob nods approvingly. When he looks away for a moment, the brothers put a finger on their lips and mime zipping them. The other writers all wink obnoxiously and one gives them a finger-thumb gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> both this and the last chapter were 171 words exactly and i feel like if it happens again ill have jinxed myself or sth


	12. wade "deadpool" wilson, francis you asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://lydiastilinski.tumblr.com/post/139822998609/an-acrostic-poem-written-by-wade-wilson 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk i tried. im not on deadpools level of funny.

Dear _**F-R-A-N-C-I-S**_ ,

 

I wrote an acrostic poem for you. I hope you like it, you great big bag of dicks.

 

**F** ucking asshole

**R** eally huge asshole

**A** sshole

**N** arcissistic asshole

**C** omplete asshole

**I** nsanely huge asshole

**S** uper asshole

 

Have fun being dead, loser.

 

With love and weird fantasies about hate sex,

 

DEADPOOL (aka Wade Wilson)

 

PS - You’re dumb

 

PPS - FRANCIS FRANCIS FRANCIS FRANCIS FRANCIS FRANCIS FRANCIS


	13. bad pick up lines: stucky part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://acciowintershield.tumblr.com/post/139326501985 and http://www.buzzfeed.com/courtsport/10-patriotic-pickup-lines-to-use-this-fourth-of-ju-hvgr 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they always say "..." at the end bc i'm not witty and idk what to make them say. this could either be texting or them actually speaking, it's up to you.

**BUCKY:** im a piece of trash

 

**STEVE:** As someone who cares deeply about the environment, I am obligated to pick you up. Is seven ok?

 

**BUCKY:** …

 

* * *

 

**STEVE:** On a scale of one to America how free are you tonight

 

**BUCKY:** …

 

* * *

 

**BUCKY:** oh say can you see… me in ur bed tonight

 

**STEVE:** …

 

* * *

 

**BUCKY:** baby you remind me of the constitution, cause you look like a national treasure

 

**STEVE:** … 

  
  
  



	14. sam & steve, burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://keeping-up-with-the-avengers.tumblr.com/post/139856343435 

**STEVE:** Oh, we all like a bad boy though, don’t we?

 

**SAM:** Yeah, not a fucking assassin though, Steve.

 

**STEVE:** I have never been disrespected nor burned so hard in my entire existence I 


	15. gen, tag yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://captainwinter.tumblr.com/post/138113250312/tag-yourself-im-stebe

"I'm Spangels!" Tony cackled, shoving the phone in Natasha's face.

 

At first, she wasn't amused, but then she saw the picture. A slow smile wormed it's way onto her face. "I'm Stevie and Spangels."

 

Tony nodded sagely. "Let's show Bucky and Sam."

 

"Were we going to do anything but?"

 

Sam, when he sees it, just says, "I'm Steven."

 

After the initial 'wtf ok that's news to us' moment, they showed Bucky. Bucky immediately said, "I'm Stebe."

 

After making more rounds, it was decided that:

 

  * Bruce was Rorgers Stev
  * Clint was Iced Americano
  * Thor was Stebe and Spangels 
  * Jane was Stebe
  * Darcy was Stevie
  * Rhodey was Spangels and Rorgers Stev
  * Maria was Spangels
  * Wanda was Stebe
  * Pietro was Iced Americano
  * Vision was Rorgers Stev
  * Scott was Iced Americano



and finally,

  * Helen was both Steven and Rorgers Stev.



Steve, from where he was hidden on his floor watching his teammates and roommates run around and giggle about the meme, decided he was all of them, plus Stoob, who was a troll and liked to draw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm stebe 24/7


	16. steve/bucky, CACW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://imaredshirt.tumblr.com/post/134375562834

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be clear, I Hate General Ross.
> 
> to be clear, italics is Steve and bold is Sam.

As General Ross continues to blather on about stupid bullshit, Steve can’t help but be sidetracked by his thoughts.

 

_ He’s still talking. How long can this guy go on, seriously. I’ve got better things to be doing right now. I wonder if Sam is still in the mood for burgers. We should have a BBQ. Invite everybody who’s not trying to kill us. Great, now I’m hungry. Bucky likes burgers. At least, he used to. _

 

_ I should cook something for him. I’ll bake him a cake. He likes cakes. _

 

_ I’ll wear that Kiss The Cook apron Nat got me last 4th of July. But I can’t bake. Damn. Okay, just the apron then. … only the apron. And a bow. _

 

As General Ross still - yes, still - continues to spew nonsense, and Steve very blatantly ignores him, Sam is also left alone with his thoughts.

 

**He’s thinking about Bucky right now. I know that look. This asshole is putting superhero way of life in danger and Captain America has his mind in the gutter. Steve please.**

 

“Captain Rogers?” General Ross momentarily takes a break from hearing his own voice.

 

_ … okay, just the bow. _

 

**SIGH.**


	17. How Civil War Came To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the Civil War starts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently, I am writing an actual fic (11k+ rn) and this is the result of me wanting to post something.
> 
> Link: http://beardysteve.tumblr.com/post/140808701933/captain-america-civil-war

Bucky looks at Steve. “I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.”

 

Steve looks back, holding up a hand. “I know this, and I love you.”

 

Tony, in the background, gapes. “What in the everloving - “

 

“GET REKT!” T’Challa comes through the wall and slams his feet into Bucky’s head.

 

Steve stands and yells, “not my Bucky!”

 

*War starts*

 

Clint sips on his Starbucks and flicks his eyes at Natasha. She shrugs. "Us being on opposite teams is better than what Whedon did to me in Ultron."

 

"True dat," he says, and their fists bump as Tony punches Steve out in the background.


	18. pre-slash Steve/Natasha, fanfiction and revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my ffn as a Serious fic. Thanks to MysticFantasy and Muldoon22 for letting me use their work. The first two are Mystic's and the second two are Muldoon's.

Natasha was, as per usual, snooping in Tony's business - the man had dared to touch her oldest knife, this was payback - when she found something... odd.

He'd been going on fanfiction . net.

She clicked around some more and found even more weird, unusual things. Stories.

Some of them are older, and in those, there'd been lots of "sexytimez". She skipped right over them.

But then she saw the _other_ fics.

The longer ones, the ones with hundreds of favorites, and follows. The ones with elaborate titles, and captivating summaries. The ones that were all about... her and Steve.

One said, " _'I bet you don't realize it." She said. "Not that it's a bad thing. You've taught me ways I can respect myself better. Learn to trust a little but better...I can honestly say that you and Clint are the two people in the world that I can trust my very life with. I've never been able to trust anyone like that before. Guess when wrongful memories are implanted into your mind and you're trained to be the ultimate assassin, you learn not to trust. Being with the Avengers has taught me a lot of things._ You _have taught me a lot of things. One of those things is that you showed me someone was willing to protect me.'_ "

Natasha gaped at it. She had no idea how Tony could know things like that about her, could write something that was more or less true. Morbidly curious, she went on to other fics.

Another said, " _Steve slowly stirred awake. He slowly turned to his side and opened his eyes. He almost jolted awake when the memories of last night flooded back to him when he spotted Natasha's sleeping face only inches away from him._ " Natasha frowned. The story had been rated T, meaning there shouldn't have been any sex. She read on, " _He made sure to stay quiet, not wanting to wake her. He took a second to observe her. He never really noticed how peaceful she looked._ "

She read more, and found out that no, Tony hadn't wrote them having sex. It was simply "preparing for a mission" and "practicing". It was, in Tony's words, a "fake/pretend relationship fic, filled with fluff and gooey feelings".

She exited out of the story and went to a different one.

It said, " _Steve straightened up, and removed his leather jacket, draping it over her shoulders. She pulled on its lapels, covering her arms. She smiled._ "

Natasha groaned. It was cute, and she understood why it was so well-liked. But the mental image of that happening in real life made her think of Steve awkwardly trying to help and her refusing it. _Maybe it would be different if we were dating, like in this story..._

Cutting off her thoughts, she left that story and went to another one.

It said, " _He set the bag down and walked over to the nightstand. He picked up a set of dog tags and brought them over to her._

" _'Listen, I want you to hang onto these for me, ok?'_

" _'Steve, I know what-'_

" _'Think what you want of it, I want you to keep them safe for me. Never know if Coulson will take off them them, to add to collection...'_ "

Natasha stopped reading in the middle of a paragraph to ponder how true that could be. Coulson had taken things from Steve when he wasn't looking, but it was usually pens and a stress ball. Then, she thought about Steve's dog tags. He wore them occasionally...

 _Stop_ , she thought. She wasn't supposed to be thinking about Steve with the rosy tint these stories were covered in. She was supposed to be getting dirt on Tony.

With a small growl, aimed at herself for being sidetracked, she grabbed the laptop. She had a certain lab to fill with Jell-O, and a certain person to talk to about all of the things she saw.


End file.
